Dear Jen

Dear Jen,

I have about 5 letters to reply to here. I think I'll just hit the big one. Friendship.

I have struggled with friendship for so long now. I have been a notoriously absent friend. I make friends with people who don't need me. I keep friendships with people who are easy to get along with and put little stress on my life. I am absolutely a selfish friend.

I think it started for me with meeting my best friend at 14. Meeting Dan so young meant I didn't need female friendships like most girls. At times, my lack of girlfriends has been a strain on our relationship. It put pressure on him to be everything to me. 

I still don't connect well to women. Not in that, "all my friends are guys" kind of a way. I'm just intensely shy and guarded with my heart. 

I remember when you and I first became friends. You were not my typical friend. You wanted be together as much as possible, and know all about me. Do you remember it took me a few years to warm up? 

So learning how to make and keep friends, how to treat them, and how to love them; it's something I'm learning about too. I don't want a multitude of friends. I would like to keep a handful of the good ones. 

I will probably not be the friend that comes over to clean your toilet. But I'm working on generosity in friendship. I want to be a blessing to my friends. I want sincere women in my life, not competition and jealousy. 

Thank you for being a friend that reaches out to me. A friend who challenges me to be a real friend and shares in the important parts of life, not just the easy parts.

I wish I could be there for you, to bring you dinner and hold your Julie.

But for now, Skype and letters will have to do.

Love,

Emily