On Mothering

Dear Emily,

   I get that... Oh, do I get that! All of it... I too am grasping to my baby. She is growing and changing, no longer the newborn who wanted nothing but to be held all day long.  She is becoming opinionated and the answers are no longer as easy.  There has been such a change in the past week and with this change, I have been feeling the pressure to figure out what kind of mother I am.  Am I the cry-it-out kind of mother at nap time or am I the attachment parent?  Can I be flexible, but rigid at the same time? I so badly want her to be able to be super flexible, since our lifestyle is so unpredictable, but at the same time, I want her to be able to set her down in her crib when I know it is nap time and just have her put herself to sleep.  Maybe it's too early for that.  I want to put her to bed at 7:00 when she is falling asleep on the couch, but I want her to see her daddy.  I know this is for such a short season and next month, she will probably be completely different, but I feel the pressure to make some sort of decision.  

What I do know is that I love this darling, even with her new and improved stronger lungs who shout at me when she is sure that she does not need a nap.  

I have thought a lot about my mother since giving birth. Sometimes, I try to imagine her with me as a baby, getting up in the wee hours of the morning... trying to see what that would be like... trying to understand what it must feel like to have your daughter move so far away and detach herself from you.  I believe that she raised me so well and made me so strong and independent.  I believe this is a good thing, but it makes a little part of me want to raise Julie to be dependent. Ha, maybe I do believe in attachment parenting.  It makes me want to be a better daughter, to make more effort, to love my mother better, because she loved/loves me so well.  I think it's amazing how having children enables us to view our mothers in a different light, to be more grateful for them.  

I hope that Julie is always grateful for me and loves me always...

and I hope I don't get on her nerves too much...

and I hope she never becomes a teenager.

Love, Jen