Dear Jen, Away

Dear Jen,

Work. Clara. Life. I don't think I need to say much more about why I am not writing. Besides, you know already. We are not strangers.

So picture me now sitting on a balcony looking at the Atlantic ocean. It's 85 and partly sunny. I have spent the last 2 hrs trying to get Clara to take a nap. And I've given up, gave her toys in a hotel crib and am taking my minute to write you now. I wish it were on pen and paper rather than this iPhone screen. But it will have to do. I have needed this so much. This family time. Which we are, in all truth, much blessed with. We are a tight little family. Dan gets home early a lot of days. We sleep in somedays. We eat out together on a weekday. But all that time can still be consumed with phones and voicemails and that running to the next thing.

So we are just giving ourselves a break from the buzz in our minds. There is something so sweet when you are allowed to sit in chair and only think good and interesting and inspiring thoughts. I call that luxury thinking. When the contracts and dirty floors, they are no more and you can make plans for what to do with that unfinished painting.

There is so much sweetness in motherhood, wrapped in with all the chaos. They are intimately interwoven. I just forcefully buried my head in the bed from frustration, and moments later, she wrapped her arm around my neck and tells me, I love you, mommy with a sigh at the end.; as if she gets I'm at the end of all patience.

What a blessing to hear from a friend this week, that it yet again gets better. I thank God for that happy and encouraging mother's voice. This type of maternal voice is rare!! Don't stop talking about your babies like this. I'm saying this to myself too. Because I know some probably think I'm overly positive about parenting; I am not. I know the hard parts, the confusing parts, the I have no more words or patience parts. I see more of that to come. I hope I weather them well. I hope I'm calm and understanding of her little understanding. But I am still in awe everyday of nearly everything she does and says. I wish you could see her now, talking like a little lady.

This morning when she woke up in bed with us after 5 hrs of kicking me in the ribs. She said, " were'd paci go?" rolled on top of and over me, sighed deeply and said," oh mommy, i love you mommy, so pretty mommy (runs fingers through my hair ), sighs, I love you mommy, sighs". I'm like, I don't deserve this. I am not good enough for you, dear baby girl. But I am going to try to be.

Love Emily