Sustenance

Dear Emily,
  The baby is sleeping... I always wish I knew ahead of time how long she was going to sleep, so that I could use the time a little more efficiently, but oh well...
I have a lot on my mind today. A old friend of mine lost a baby this week due to a heart defect. It has been incredibly painful to watch them walk through this, even though I barely know the family. It has broken my heart. Things like this affect me more than they used to. I think when you have babies your heart automatically becomes more sensitive to things. I feel deep pain now. I feel like God is revealing to me the hurt of this world lately. There is so much pain, so much unfairness. I don't get it and it grieves me and it leave me just wanting to run to Him, but not exactly sure how to deal with it all. I'm sure some of it is the impending deployment, the fear, the uncertainty of the times I am living in. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to being a young college student, back when my only concern was my school work. I lived in a little bubble, unaware of things around me, unaware of the pain that people were living in, so many hurting people.  Where do I go from here? What do I do with this tension that plagues me? Find the joy... find the joy in the little moments, in my little darling's face. Seek the joy of the Lord. He will sustain me.
                                             Love, Jen

Dear Jen, Away

Dear Jen,

Work. Clara. Life. I don't think I need to say much more about why I am not writing. Besides, you know already. We are not strangers.

So picture me now sitting on a balcony looking at the Atlantic ocean. It's 85 and partly sunny. I have spent the last 2 hrs trying to get Clara to take a nap. And I've given up, gave her toys in a hotel crib and am taking my minute to write you now. I wish it were on pen and paper rather than this iPhone screen. But it will have to do. I have needed this so much. This family time. Which we are, in all truth, much blessed with. We are a tight little family. Dan gets home early a lot of days. We sleep in somedays. We eat out together on a weekday. But all that time can still be consumed with phones and voicemails and that running to the next thing.

So we are just giving ourselves a break from the buzz in our minds. There is something so sweet when you are allowed to sit in chair and only think good and interesting and inspiring thoughts. I call that luxury thinking. When the contracts and dirty floors, they are no more and you can make plans for what to do with that unfinished painting.

There is so much sweetness in motherhood, wrapped in with all the chaos. They are intimately interwoven. I just forcefully buried my head in the bed from frustration, and moments later, she wrapped her arm around my neck and tells me, I love you, mommy with a sigh at the end.; as if she gets I'm at the end of all patience.

What a blessing to hear from a friend this week, that it yet again gets better. I thank God for that happy and encouraging mother's voice. This type of maternal voice is rare!! Don't stop talking about your babies like this. I'm saying this to myself too. Because I know some probably think I'm overly positive about parenting; I am not. I know the hard parts, the confusing parts, the I have no more words or patience parts. I see more of that to come. I hope I weather them well. I hope I'm calm and understanding of her little understanding. But I am still in awe everyday of nearly everything she does and says. I wish you could see her now, talking like a little lady.

This morning when she woke up in bed with us after 5 hrs of kicking me in the ribs. She said, " were'd paci go?" rolled on top of and over me, sighed deeply and said," oh mommy, i love you mommy, so pretty mommy (runs fingers through my hair ), sighs, I love you mommy, sighs". I'm like, I don't deserve this. I am not good enough for you, dear baby girl. But I am going to try to be.

Love Emily

Lately

Dear Emily,
   I just thought I would send you a little note and update you on life around here. It's good... It's real good.  Julie is getting to be so much fun, definitely a work out throughout the day, but fun. I love watching her grow and change every day. She just becomes more of a little kid every moment.  She is waving and showing us that she loves us. She is reaching for us when she wants to switch to someone else's arms and she chatters all day long. I wish I knew what she had to say. I am sure she has a great outlook on the world!
   We are going on our first family vacation this weekend. I am thrilled. We are taking our 4 day weekend and making the most of it. We are headed up to Big Sur to check out a few waterfalls, taking hwy 1 up to Monterey for the day, then on to San Francisco for a brief tour of the city. I am so excited about the drive up the coastline. I hope Julie is amiable.
   Spring is definitely here and I am loving the warmer temperatures. We are filling our days with swinging and trying out some new recipes. I love baking, but baking doesn't love our waistlines. So far, I have baked a cookie that is comprised of 2 bananas, a cup of oats, and a few chocolate chips. I ate the entire batch by myself, so I guess they're good. I tried a Paleo Sweet Potato Chai muffin today that left much to be desired. Ugh... Terrible texture. I am assuming there will be a lot of hit and misses in my desire to find some more healthy alternatives to our beloved brownies, cookies, and ice cream.
   I just finished a long, long book, but while I was trying to finish it, I got Dinner: A Love Story in the mail. I have only flipped through it so far, but I am so excited to sit down and read it all. Never have I found a cookbook that I wanted to read cover to cover.  We have started reading at night before we turn out the light and I am loving it. I really enjoy the time to calm down from a crazy baby day or reconnect after being away from my husband for way too long.
    I have been trying to turn some of my worry over to God these past few weeks, trying to spend more time with the Lord, and give him control of my life... my baby, my marriage, my husband, my internal dialogues with myself.  I am happy with where this is leading me and excited to go deeper.
    I am slowly whittling away at my to-do list. I may only get one thing done a week, but that's one down.. Right now, I have a lot of plants that need some care. I think I'll dedicate nap time to that today.  Gardening is good for the soul.
   I hope you are having a good week and don't mind this long rambling letter. Miss you girl!
Love Jen