Lately

Dear Emily,
   I just thought I would send you a little note and update you on life around here. It's good... It's real good.  Julie is getting to be so much fun, definitely a work out throughout the day, but fun. I love watching her grow and change every day. She just becomes more of a little kid every moment.  She is waving and showing us that she loves us. She is reaching for us when she wants to switch to someone else's arms and she chatters all day long. I wish I knew what she had to say. I am sure she has a great outlook on the world!
   We are going on our first family vacation this weekend. I am thrilled. We are taking our 4 day weekend and making the most of it. We are headed up to Big Sur to check out a few waterfalls, taking hwy 1 up to Monterey for the day, then on to San Francisco for a brief tour of the city. I am so excited about the drive up the coastline. I hope Julie is amiable.
   Spring is definitely here and I am loving the warmer temperatures. We are filling our days with swinging and trying out some new recipes. I love baking, but baking doesn't love our waistlines. So far, I have baked a cookie that is comprised of 2 bananas, a cup of oats, and a few chocolate chips. I ate the entire batch by myself, so I guess they're good. I tried a Paleo Sweet Potato Chai muffin today that left much to be desired. Ugh... Terrible texture. I am assuming there will be a lot of hit and misses in my desire to find some more healthy alternatives to our beloved brownies, cookies, and ice cream.
   I just finished a long, long book, but while I was trying to finish it, I got Dinner: A Love Story in the mail. I have only flipped through it so far, but I am so excited to sit down and read it all. Never have I found a cookbook that I wanted to read cover to cover.  We have started reading at night before we turn out the light and I am loving it. I really enjoy the time to calm down from a crazy baby day or reconnect after being away from my husband for way too long.
    I have been trying to turn some of my worry over to God these past few weeks, trying to spend more time with the Lord, and give him control of my life... my baby, my marriage, my husband, my internal dialogues with myself.  I am happy with where this is leading me and excited to go deeper.
    I am slowly whittling away at my to-do list. I may only get one thing done a week, but that's one down.. Right now, I have a lot of plants that need some care. I think I'll dedicate nap time to that today.  Gardening is good for the soul.
   I hope you are having a good week and don't mind this long rambling letter. Miss you girl!
Love Jen

She's not mine.

Dear Emily,
  You might recall this week when I called you all flustered after my baby swallowed the lion's tail off of her Noah's Ark quilt. Did I tell you I called 911? Turns out that they don't give you medical advice over the phone... and in my better judgement, I decided against letting them send the paramedic out. It would have made for an even better story if I had... After all, it was just a piece of string.

Last night, Julie woke me up with her coughing... coughing hard. I went in and bundled her up and rocked her back to sleep. It was one of those moments where you feel like you should stay there all night holding them upright, rocking them...
This morning she started coughing again to the point where I thought she couldn't breathe.
I tried to get a hold of the pediatrician with little success and was told that I could have an appointment tomorrow. Not good enough! So I walked in to the clinic. Hello, Crazy lady with a happy, active baby here with no sign of sickness.  I love that the nurse humored me and checked her out and listened to her chest.

Over reaction at its finest... but where do you draw the line. As a mom my job in life is to protect her and make sure that she is always safe and secure.

This is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that I am reminded that she does not belong to me. Every time that I think I will home school her, lock her in a closet, board it up, never let her out of the house... God says no. He only gave her to me to borrow for a little while. So I am giving her to God every day.  He has way more power to love, protect, and heal her little body than I ever could.

Love, Jen

Memorizing her

Dear Emily,

  I get it... I do! It seems like living and enjoying the moments and drinking it all in has become more important than everything else. Documenting life falls by the wayside... I have been memorizing the moments in my mind instead. I stop and smell and listen and really enjoy.

The crackling candle, the smell of my baby's head... the way that she wraps her arms around my neck and ruffles her fingers through my hair. The way her crying has turned to babbling complaining... I even love that. I feel like she is really trying to tell me something. 

The holidays came and went so fast. It was such a blessing to have Travis home for five days in a row. I wish he could retire now and stay home with us forever.

I am treasuring the mornings right now. I go get the baby at her first morning cry, bring her to bed with me, nurse her, we fall back into a drowsy morning nap together. I love the way her eyes flutter open when she is waking, rubbing them not so gently, then realizing that I am there and she grins at me. I love that moment. Jackson at the foot of the bed. We lay here touching hands, playing for awhile, not wanting to leave the moment. 

We get up and I fix us both our breakfast and we sit down at the table with my cup of tea and we eat together.... someone to share breakfast with every morning... what I have been longing for. After that it seems like the morning always speeds up, but those first 2 hours are so good and I refuse to let them go. 

Such beauty and heartache in this New Year. Please be patient with me this year. I'll need you more than ever. 

Love, Jen

Thoughts

Dear Emily,
   So funny... Your last letter and my devotional were on the exact same topic.  You are so right... We are so blessed to stay at home with our young ones. Yeah, it can get challenging and lonely at times, but I could not imagine leaving her every day! We have such wonderful husbands, who put so much time in at work to give us the lives that we have. So blessed.
 
 I have a few things on my mind today.  Recently, you asked me if I liked living in San Diego.  I am pretty sure I responded by saying that I like it, but don't want to live here forever. That's still true, but it reminded me to take a second look at where God has placed us for this season.  We truly live in a beautiful, remarkable place with so much to do and experience. I tend to forget about it all when I coop myself up at home with Julie.  On Saturday, Jules and I joined a friend at the farmer's market in Little Italy and I am always amazed by that place.  It always makes me want to branch out and try new things, new vegetables, new ways to eat certain things.  And just last night Travis and I were reading reviews for a Himalayan restaurant in town. I want to try every ethnicity before we move! I am amazed by the city. Yesterday I was driving home from Target and had a beautiful view of the ocean.  Oh, the things I take for granted...
 
 I am also blessed by the church that we have here. It is pretty different from our previous couple of churches.  We love it and as we are getting to know people better, I am loving it even more. We just joined a new life group, one closer to our house, and the woman that leads it, with her husband, has asked to disciple me, so we are meeting every other week. I am excited about what the future of that relationship holds and thankful for an older woman to speak into my life.  It has been new relationships lately that have put me at peace with where God has placed us.

Have you ever been discipled by someone? What makes you grateful for the place you live? How do you keep yourself living in the present and fully experiencing life?

Love, Jennifer

Transparency

Dear Emily,
  I recently watched a tv show; one that I hate to admit I watched, even a whole season of it, but in it there was a girl who came to know her real family after living with foster parents and being passed around all her life.  When she met her real family and made real friends, she hid her secrets from them because she was afraid they wouldn't love her if they knew the real her and everything she had been through.  In the end, when they did find out her secrets, they loved her more.

It is amazing what honesty does for relationships. It is amazing what being transparent with people does for friendships.  It is becoming apparent to me that people want the truth about us.  It makes us real, it bonds us. It lets us know that we are not the only ones that struggle with such and such. We fight the same battles... people, women, mothers.

The more I get to know you, the more I treasure your heart.
Thank you for the dear, sweet package and lovely letter.
Did you know how much I loved that hat when Clara wore it? I wanted it so badly for my future baby. I had forgotten about it until now. I love it so much. Thank you!!! I treasure it all.

Love, Jen

Heart things.

Dear Emily,

I was flipping through Instagram today and came across a post in which the woman mentioned losing a baby. I don't know specifics, but it got me to thinking about what moves our heart. The thought of miscarrying or losing a child brings chills to my spine... but what else moves us?

I am kind of experimenting with some sleep training... just trying to get Julie to nap in her crib and sometimes to go down without the long bouts of bouncing and patting. I let her cry herself to sleep this morning and it only took 15 minutes. Not bad... but then I tried it again for her second nap and I gave in at 20. It was too heartbreaking. Her sad wails moved my heart, deep down. At that point, I needed her to know I was there and I rushed in picked her up and snuggled her so tight. I wouldn't let her go. She eventually fell asleep after some peaceful swaying. It was a sweet moment and I loved that I could make the decision when enough was enough.  Holding our babies moves our heart.

My husband was gone for 4 days this week at a conference and even though I talked to him every day and even Skyped once, when we came home and hugged me so tight that it lifted me off the floor, it moved my heart.

Three separate friends this week moved my heart, one brought me muffins, one brought me dinner, and one brought me coconut and pumpkin teas.  Obviously, the key to my heart is food... haha, but the blessing was so good.

Dear friends sharing the news of a third baby on the way moves my heart... bringing new chubby thighs into this world. The world needs more of that kind of joy.  What has moved your heart this week?

I hope you have a lovely weekend. A friend has made us plan a date for Saturday, so she is keeping Julie and I am taking Travis out for a birthday brunch at a fancy restaurant on the beach. I am so excited!  Hooray for dates!

Love, Jen

New Morning

Dear Emily,
  Do you ever have days where you feel like you failed?  You skipped housework, your baby never napped, everyone is grumpy, and you watched way too many episodes of some tv show on Netflix that isn't even good and certainly should not have had that much time dedicated to it, but you just needed to make it to bedtime.  Don't you hate it when you count down the hours until the little goes to sleep.  What a terrible thing! But sometimes, I guess that's how it is. I am so thankful that every day is a new day, every morning is new and my baby almost always wakes up with a smile on her face. Here's to starting each morning afresh.
Love, Jen

PS. I am dying to have coffee and biscotti with you. February is too far away.

Sleep

Dear Emily,
   I am convinced that God provides us with sleep in much the same way that he provides us with food.  Can it be that sleep is like manna and he gives us how much we need to make it through the day?  Maybe this is only true for mothers.  He helps us manage and sustains us.  Last night, after several nights of Julie waking up 3 and 4 times to nurse unnecessarily, she managed to sleep for over 12 hours with only 2 wakings. It was a glorious night and a lovely morning in which I was able to regain my sanity.
And it is a good thing, because she has fought sleep like none other today.  It's been a rough day, but I am so thankful that I was well rested for it!
Thank you Lord for your sleep that sustains and refreshes... and thank you for sleeping babies.
How are you sleeping these days?  Sleep seems to be at the fore front of all my conversations.
Love, Jen

Picnic

Dear Emily,
    Although Fall looks a little different here, we had an amazingly beautiful, ideal San Diego day.  We picnicked with a dear friend at Kate Sessions Park. The afternoon made me so thankful for dear friends... people that we can tell anything to, people who love our children, people that pray for us and affirm us. Thank heavens for these people coming to the rescue when you truly need it.

It's going to be a beautiful weekend. We are going to spend some much needed time with dad and hopefully get outside some more!  I hope your weekend is lovely!

Love, Jen

Snail Mail

Dear Emily,
   Because sometimes there is nothing like real snail mail to warm your heart... On it's way to you.
My sister in law gave me the most beautiful set of labels and stickers from Rifle Paper Company and I am elated to use them. I flip through them just about every night.  I am so smitten with them... Can you believe me? All over stickers....
     Love, Jen

Good Night

Dear Emily,
     I have a very sweet memory from when I was little of my bedtime routine.  My mom would put me in bed, we would say our prayers -- The Lord's Prayer -- and we would sing a couple of songs and I'm pretty sure we would recite Psalms 23. I don't remember too much about it, but I remember how well I thought our voices harmonized and how good I thought we sounded.  It was really beautiful.
     It seems like everything I am reading lately is telling me how important a bedtime routine is. I have been trying to figure out a good one for us.  We've been putting our pajamas on and saying good night to daddy. We might spend a little time looking at the twinkle lights in her room or reading a book, depending on her mood, and then we nurse to sleep. I can't wait until she enjoys her bedtime routine and we can do baths, then pj's, then a story, prayers and a song.  I hope she enjoys it as much as I did.
    Do you and Clara have a routine?
Love, Jen

Catching Up

Dear Emily,
    It has been so long since we have written.  I feel like the past few weeks have seriously flown by.  My little love has been growing like a weed, fighting naps, and smiling a lot. There has been lots of baking -- an apple pumpkin galette that was seriously terrible, a peach galette that was delicious, some chocolate chip cookies... There has been delicious food -- mussels, lobster risotto, fried goat cheese stuffed squash blossoms (serious yum!), lamb, fried calamari, roasted veggies,... Have you ever roasted your green beans? Seriously delicious. I don't know what I am going to cook tonight after a weekend of such delicious food! There has been lots of baseball watching -- Go Tigers! There has been lots of tea drinking, spiced apple cider, and hot chai. There has been rain and colder weather and snuggling.  There has been a baby up at all hours of the night wanting a snuggle. There has been family in town --  A baby brings in lots of family and I am enjoying it more now than ever before. I think that babies make you appreciate family more.  I love watching them with Julie, making her smile, drinking in her sweetness. Travis has been home more lately and that has been so, so good. Despite my new level of sleep deprivation, things are really, really good right now. Despite not being able to accomplish things that I want to, things are beautiful. My baby is lovely, my family is lovely... I miss you. Let's catch up...
Love Jen

On figuring out who I am...

Dear Emily,
    I may have mentioned this before, but I am living my dream.  I have always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom with an amazing husband, taking care of my house, cooking dinner, and baking pies.  Now that I am finally here, I feel some pressure, well...more motivation, to become who I have always wanted to be.  I read a little quote on facebook today by George Bernard Shaw. It says, "Life is not about finding yourself.  It's about creating yourself."  Who I want to be is not just going to happen.  I have to take action... which leads me to the point of this post. You can't create something if you're being lazy.  Maybe I'm not lazy... just a new mother... but you get my point.  I can't have an amazingly beautiful garden by sitting in my house and I can't have the best dinners, by making the same things over and over, and I can't have the most beautiful quilts made if I never venture out to try something more difficult. I have to make myself better. So today, I made some home air freshener off of Pinterest to make my house smell the way I want it to and I got out my fabric cutting board to take advantage of nap time. Sure, those are small steps and I should probably be sweeping my house (Thanks to Jackson.)  But that will wait. I'm going to try to stop being envious of other's lives and beautiful things and create my own.
    Love, Jen

On Mothering

Dear Emily,

   I get that... Oh, do I get that! All of it... I too am grasping to my baby. She is growing and changing, no longer the newborn who wanted nothing but to be held all day long.  She is becoming opinionated and the answers are no longer as easy.  There has been such a change in the past week and with this change, I have been feeling the pressure to figure out what kind of mother I am.  Am I the cry-it-out kind of mother at nap time or am I the attachment parent?  Can I be flexible, but rigid at the same time? I so badly want her to be able to be super flexible, since our lifestyle is so unpredictable, but at the same time, I want her to be able to set her down in her crib when I know it is nap time and just have her put herself to sleep.  Maybe it's too early for that.  I want to put her to bed at 7:00 when she is falling asleep on the couch, but I want her to see her daddy.  I know this is for such a short season and next month, she will probably be completely different, but I feel the pressure to make some sort of decision.  

What I do know is that I love this darling, even with her new and improved stronger lungs who shout at me when she is sure that she does not need a nap.  

I have thought a lot about my mother since giving birth. Sometimes, I try to imagine her with me as a baby, getting up in the wee hours of the morning... trying to see what that would be like... trying to understand what it must feel like to have your daughter move so far away and detach herself from you.  I believe that she raised me so well and made me so strong and independent.  I believe this is a good thing, but it makes a little part of me want to raise Julie to be dependent. Ha, maybe I do believe in attachment parenting.  It makes me want to be a better daughter, to make more effort, to love my mother better, because she loved/loves me so well.  I think it's amazing how having children enables us to view our mothers in a different light, to be more grateful for them.  

I hope that Julie is always grateful for me and loves me always...

and I hope I don't get on her nerves too much...

and I hope she never becomes a teenager.

Love, Jen

Right Now

Dear Emily,

   Right now, I am...

Relishing the peace and quiet of nap time.
Enjoying the cooler, perfect weather.
Loving on my little girl, smiles all the time.

Baking a lot... so bad for me!

Embracing and nourishing friendships.

Missing my husband this week. He has been gone so much!

Starting a project that I had set down when Julie was born. 

Drinking tons of tea... cinnamon tea, vanilla caramel truffle tea...

Listening to the sweet breathing of my little love and sweet pup.

Loving the moments that Julie is allowing me to have to myself lately.

Reading a new devotional... Out of the Spin Cycle, by Jen Hatmaker... 

Adoring nursing my baby. I can't get over her new sweet mannerisms.

Remembering who I am.

Looking forward to apple cider and snuggles this weekend.

Such a good season that we are entering into.

Love Jen

Linking up with Ali Edwards "Around Here"

image found here by Haptic Lab

Dear Emily,
   I have been having some serious quilting withdrawals and I think I am getting ready to start a small one.  The love is getting a little less demanding and with Travis gone a ton of the time, I think I might be able to pick up a little bit of sewing here and there.  I have been seriously inspired by some of Camille Roskelley's quilts and color ways and also these soft map quilts by Haptic Lab. I love, love them! I would love to see what I can do with both of those inspirations as a jumping off point.  I try drawing and always seem to come up with things that are really contrived. I am not the same person that I was in grad school, but if I can come up with an awesome baby quilt for a friend or a wall quilt that I would actually hang in my home, I think I am all over that... maybe eventually, they will become more like my drawings of the past... I love the idea of a soft quilt drawing.  Something tangible and more welcome in my world than a pristine, undented piece of paper. I need washable and crinkly quiltiness here. What do you say?  I think it sounds lovely!

How is your Etsy shop endeavor coming? I can't wait to see what you have been dreaming up and how it comes to fruition.  Let's see a peek, shall we?

Love, Jen

Dear Emily,
     I have been thinking about prayer a lot lately.  In all honesty, I struggle to pray and commune with God as often as I should... and two things have been on my mind.

In the midst of being a new momma and this really hard season that we have been going through over here, I have been so touched by the people who tell me that they are praying for me.  It means so much to know that someone is interceding on my behalf.  With that said, I decided awhile back that I wouldn't tell someone I was praying for them if I knew good and well that I would probably forget or not pray for them as well or as often as I should.  I didn't want people to think they were being prayed for and then me not do it.  Sounds silly now, but I didn't want to lie about it or act like I was in a better place with God than I was.  With this really hard season of my own, I have been moved to pray for others who are also going through hard seasons... things that are probably even more challenging than what I am dealing with.  I have realized how important it really is to meet people where they are and take their needs to the Lord.

A second thought... Julie needs my prayers.  She needs them for her health, for guidance, for  her future, to become the woman of God that she should be.  I can't wait to see what she does with that beautiful, little life of hers.  This world is a hard one and she needs all the prayers and support that she can get.

...and I will tell her that she is being prayed for.

Love, Jen

"The Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for.  But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.  And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will."        ~Romans 8:26-27

Dear Emily,

I am jealous of your Fall! We had triple digit temperatures this weekend, the coast hotter than the desert, which is strange. We endured most of Friday and Saturday in our 87 degree house and then finally gave in and travelled over to a friend's house to enjoy her air conditioning. It was fabulous! I have a much happier baby in the cool air.

Sunday was not so bad. We woke up to a 70 degree house! What a temperature drop! We went to church and grabbed lunch, stopped in World Market and came home to watch football. Such a wonderful day.  We felt like a normal couple, able to spend time together doing things that we used to do, pre-baby and pre-squadron days.

Things are getting more natural with the babe. We are so smitten with her smiles! They make some of the crankiness bearable. She really is a happy baby, but she can get downright mad sometimes! I am falling in love with her so much, my little blessing. I am starting to realize why people have more than one. Can  you believe it?!  A second one kind of excites me... on certain days.

Well, I best go and make a grocery list for my trip to the grocery store.  I need serious help eating healthier around here.  I know I would have more energy if we ate more fruits and vegetables.  Any tricks?
   Love, Jen

Dear Emily,
   Your day looks like it was absolutely perfect! Living here in San Diego makes me long for the country sometimes. I would love to go on your walk to see the horses.  I can't wait to do things like this with Julie and have her really enjoy them.  We had a good day as well.
    Love, Jen

Linking up with a Bit of Sunshine's: Ten on Ten:

Morning smiles... the best way to start my day!

The remnants of morning tummy time

A cup of tea, thank you letters, 

and working on her baby book during a nap

The loves join me while I get ready for the day

Stalking doves

My new Fall mum

A quiet trip to Sprouts for vegetables

Dinner plans

My view for a majority of the day... Getting ready for bed.

Dear Emily,
  I can not begin to tell you what a refreshing weekend this was!  Travis was home for three full days in a row  and it gave us so much time to reconnect.  I'll be the first to admit that having a baby changes the dynamic in your home more than I could have ever imagined.  I realized that my marriage was going to take more work than it used to and it was going to take us getting intentional about loving on each other and being there for one another. In the end, I know this will grow and deepen our relationship and give our marriage that much more substance.
  On Friday, we celebrated the day we met four years ago and we had so much fun reminiscing on that first meeting and the events of that day.  It was a fabulous way to reconnect and remember our marriage pre-baby.  We just enjoyed ourselves for the rest of the weekend.  We grilled out, watched shows on Netflix and a little football, took a walk on Coronado island with Jackson and the little lady, out to breakfast downtown, worshipped at church, and snuggled a little.  It was just what we needed after a lot of time apart and it was just what I needed to refresh my soul and get me back on top of things.
  Things are looking better this week.  I have curry that I am making for dinner.  I have freshly potted plants, a little ivy that I grew from some outside, and a mum to usher in the beginning of Fall. I saw a leaf fall from a tree.  I am lighting a cinnamon chai candle and my house is not nearly as dirty as it could be.  To top it all of, it's a four day work week! Hooray! Does it feel like Fall in New York yet? It certainly does not here in San Diego, but hopefully soon.

Love, Jen