Dear Jen, Work Week

Dear Jen,

I've been thinking lately about my job as a mother.

You probably hear from time to time that it's the 'hardest job in the world'. I disagree. Moms everywhere may kill me for saying so. It's likely because I have the best of all children in the world (and only one), but this job is seriously amazing. Though the beginning can be challenging on every level, it is still the very BEST I could ever hope for.

What do we asked from our careers? To be simulated, successful, fulfilled, rewarded.

Though I still have aspirations outside of motherhood, and I am blessed to work from home; right now, this mother gig is as so rewarding.

I realize that Dan has the harder job. When I leave for my work days, I know how much it hurts to be away. He has to leave his little love every morning. He comes home hearing how she's asked for him all day. "Dada?...No....Dada?....Nope", she shakes her head disappointed. And now, when I ask her where he is, she replies in a quiet voice, "eerk".

I am so thankful for this work, in this time, and grateful for Dan and his daily sacrifice.

Hoping you are having a wonderful work week.

Love,

Emily

Dear Jen, Good Night Moon.

Pictures from July 2012

Dear Jen,

You asked about our bedtime routine. You told me what you remember of yours as a child, and what you hope it will be for you and Julie in the future.

As children we didn't have a set routine, no special song we sang or one book read every night. Or if we did, I don't remember it. My mom and dad, books read, prayers said, it was enough of a routine just have them there every night. I felt so safe as a child, bedtime was comfort and warmth and love to me. I don't remember fighting or struggling with the night. Though I had an active mind and often stayed awake for a long time thinking. When I was older they would play a cassette for me and I would lay in bed listening to the familiar little tale of a Scottish firefly and the scared little girl who needed to know God was watching over her. I would call to my parents through the thin walls of our old house, to flip the tape so I could listen to it again and again. They were so patient, and even they knew those songs by heart. We sing them to Clara today.

Clara has always been a great little sleeper. She is almost excited and anxious to get into her crib while we are working through her bedtime routine. She lays down flat in her crib arms to her side, and waits to be tucked in. I give her a kiss and tell her Jesus loves her, and walk away quickly. We've done this regularly for a while now. Though she spent different parts of her first year waking up in the night she was always easy to put down.

She is starting to have different ideas about bedtime now. She understands that story time, the milk, the pacifier and the gentle rocking are all leading to that time alone in bed. Though she's clearly tired, she's fighting a little harder these days. She's like a child now. She asks for book after book, now that one, and this one, and that one again. She says "moon, moon" over and over. Good Night Moon. My family did not grow up with this book. So it's a bit of an oddity to me. It's sweet, but it's not sentimental to me at all, and I struggle through it 10 times a day. I liked it at first, but for Pete's sake, mush, and brush go to bed already. Clearly she loves it. So I will read it 1000 times a day if it pleases her.

Last night she was extra tired due to the time change, and our 5 am wake up. I laid her in bed; she looked back at me perfectly still, wide and waiting to be tucked in. I gave her a baby doll; she tucked dolly under her arm. I laid a fluffy pillow next to her head, and covered her with her softest receiving blanket she's started to attach to. Then I tucked her in with your handmade quilt. She ran her fingers through her wispy blonde hair like she has done since she's had enough hair to comb. I kissed her forehead and she stayed still while I said a little prayer. Every night is this special. Every night my heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest with love and awe that this baby girl could be mine. Thank you Jesus, for this gift of motherhood.

Love,

Emily

Dear Jen, Student of Life

Dear Jen,


Someone asked me today if you were the only one who writes on this blog. Do I ever write back?  But we promised ourselves we'd write when we were moved, when we had something to say. I suppose that's today.

I'm not going to count the days and unanswered letters in between. But your thoughts have been mine. Your thankfulness for new mornings, your love of and desire for sleep, your hopes of routine and tradition, I nod as I read. I fail everyday, and start a resolution every morning. I'm sinking into deep winter sleeps, losing productivity while gaining renewal. I'm reflecting on every moment I spend with Clara, and wondering how it will affect her in the future.

That's the one that is moving my heart most often.

How am I shaping who she will become?

That's where so much of this self reflection stems from.

I have this little person, this student of life; my Clara.
She is watching me everyday. She is learning how to live life.

Will I be the person I want her to be?
Will I show her how to love and have patience and generosity?

Will I display a strong, confident and beautiful woman?
Am I the best example of a role model for my most precious gift?

These questions weigh heavy on my mind. They push me everyday to look inside my heart, to find what is not healthy, what is not beautiful, and to work it out of my life.

Do you find yourself working through anything like this?





Love,
Emily

Dear Jen, Year Two

Dear Jen,

I may have mentioned a time or two before; how Clara might be our only. We really don't know if there will be more children for us.

I held on to Clara's first year of life tight. Very possibly my only baby. I needed to experience every moment.

I didn't want that first year to end. Something in me told me after 12 months, it's all down hill. Or maybe it was the attitude and tone that other mothers take toward raising toddlers. I know where it comes from. The exhaustion, the busyness, I understand wanting those infant days back.

But then, I don't.

As sweet, and innocent and perfect as she was. As much as I wanted to stay at 5, and 9 and 11 months. I want to stay here. I want to have my little 15 month old forever. I want her to wake up every morning with the most loving and sincere, sing song call of "maaaamaaaa".
She is perfect right now. She will be perfect tomorrow.
Because I am her mama, I will always believe that.
She will never be a nuisance, she will be my delight every day.
I will give her the same adoration today as I did when she was my newest baby girl.
I feel that love in my heart just as strong as I did every day of that first year.

So know, dear friend, that even though she may throw her (organic, perfectly cooked) food, or learn how and when to use the word 'no', or pinch your loving arms, or wiggle extra with every messiest diaper; you will love her just the same.

And much more.

Because she will gain personality, and humor, she will learn something new everyday and she will love you.



Love,
Emily

Dear Jen, Grasp...

Dear Jen,

I'm grasping to every little, precious moment with my Clara. I'm grasping to keep her young and sweet and so in love with me. I'm afraid, so afraid, she'll turn into me someday. Turn into my ungrateful example of a daughter. My mother is the sweetest, most generous loving woman. I'm not as good to her as I hope Clara will be to me. I think about how I treated her as a middle schooler. I imagine how that must have felt as a mother. Clara rolling her eyes as me? God no, please don't let her be like me. I'm grasping to her perfection right now, loving who she is in all her sincerity. Hoping we can keep this bond, hoping I can be as good to her as my mother is to me.

I'm grasping to my individuality. Trying to find out who I am outside of mother and wife. Wanting to keep my creativity. Trying to do it all.

I'm grasping to my youth, my health, wanting my skin to be young, my body to be thin, to be 21; but never to have be that young again. Hoping I will age gracefully, but not looking forward to these next two birthdays.

I'm grasping on to God, and His love.
Grasping for His grace.
Knowing despite everything, I am enough for Him, enough for Clara, enough for Dan.

Love,
Emily


5 minutes of writing on the topic of "Grasp"
Linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker

Dear Emily,
  Your letter to me on breast feeding was so timely.  I am definitely in a battle with it and I think it has kept me from really realizing your struggles with weaning.  In my head, I was thinking how great it was to be done and how much easier it would be to explore town without having to find an appropriate place for an inexperienced nurser to nurse (er... reveal herself, haha!)
  Today, I gave in and went back to the lactation consultant.  My Julie is seven weeks and I am still in terrible pain.  It kills me to dread feeding her sometimes, because I know the pain that comes with her initial latch and then continues after the feeding.  I cried last week and almost made the decision to quit, but when I think about it, I am really devoted to seeing it through.  Throughout my entire pregnancy, I looked forward to nursing and then to have it be so miserable is heartbreaking.  I have been thinking it is a latch issue and trying to correct it and really putting a lot of stress on the baby and me. She is getting bigger and her arms are getting stronger and her flailing is getting more wild and what I learned today is that it is impossible to correct a latch that is not incorrect.  It seems that I have either an allergy to lanolin or yeast.  Either way, I have hope.
   Every time that I go see the lactation consultant, I leave energized and motivated.  They always encourage me so much and with that I know that I can see this through.  I love going to see them so much that it makes me consider becoming one.  I think it would be so wonderful to encourage new moms struggling through their first few days and weeks of motherhood.  It's such a tumultuous time!
  Anyways, I am sticking with this thing.  I want to love it as much as you do and treasure this time.  I also want to drink as many chocolate shakes as I want and enjoy that whole pan of brownies.  It's such motivation to forge onward!
  Love, Jen