Dear Jen, Dandelions and Dirt

Dear Jen,

Today, I'm ready for lunch at 9:45 in the morning. It's the kind of day that starts at 6, there has been breakfast, front porch play, back porch play, snack and nap by 9:30.

I had supermom plans to make the healthiest popsicles known to baby...and I think I certainly accomplished it. Beets, kale, apples, banana, strawberry. I took a quick taste, they taste like you'd probably expect: dirt and dandelions. They are horrible. Since Clara can regularly be found with dirt in her mouth, I might have a shot at these being received as a tasty snack.

Yesterday I caught Clara trying to eat a muddy rock. After we discarded it, Bella actually DID eat it. What? Who are these little ones of mine? How am I responsible for this? I do not model this behavior. But they provide a regular laugh. And as you are well aware, who knows what is to become of Bella's poor insides. She is most certainly still digesting as of late: one rock, one corn cobb, and one watermelon rind. Wish us luck with that.

Last night Clara cried for 10 minutes because I took her sandals off. It was a sign to her that the day was done, and outside play was over. Lately when I put her down at night and naps, she has the last word of negotiation, "wake up, go outside". It's not a question, it's a fact. Thank goodness for the cooperative weather, growing seeds, and ice cream dates. Summer has been a long time coming, and we are making use of every sunny minute of it.

Love,
Emily

Dear Jen, Deep of Winter

Dear Jen,

Though my heart and mind have been full of thoughts and letters for you, they take form in typo filled texts and loves of your Instagram feed. Is it presumptuous of me to assume you understand? Oh I think you do.

This season has been a whirly wind of baby, work, and responsibility. Without sounding too rainbows and roses, it's been a blessing of a year. This year I have grown in new ways, have been filled with pride, humbled, and found new love around every turn.

I wish I had more inspirationally beautiful pictures of smiling blue-eyed babies, and candid shots of us playing as a family in the snow to share. But my husband prefers my face to a lens these days, and I'm learning to oblige him. Most of the pictures I attempt these days resemble my life, a blur of a running baby, with my messy house in focus. The internet does not want that. Let us maintain the illusion that I keep a perfect home (though if you read this letter, you probably know this truth already).

Seeing you in pictures and video is like seeing a mirror of me and my girl one year ago. There is certainly an ache in my heart when I think of her 6 month old circular head, and easy squatty self. It was all cheeks to kiss, and bellies to tickle. I hope you are doing plenty of both.

We are deep in winter now. I find myself getting tired at 8:00, since the sun has been gone for 4 hours by then, and it feels right to slip into pj's and watch something uninspiring. The only reason I'm writing now, after 9:00 at night is because Dan convinced me to have a cup of coffee with him, and now he sleeps soundly on the couch. But when January first comes around, we all get that feeling like NOW is the time to change our ways. I'm trying not to get too excited about resolutions. We have a good three months until anything gets done up here in the frigid North. But I did get roped into running a half marathon in the spring. I'm not sure how I allowed peer pressure to get me to this point, but it really is enjoyable to set and meet a goal every single week. It makes me feel strong. And that IS a good thing.

I've been drawing a little everyday. Working on a little project, and seeing where it goes. I'm making something that has value to me, and my family. It fulfills my soul to have a little creative time everyday.  It will be something more someday.

What about you, friend?

Love,
Emily

Dear Jen, Work Week

Dear Jen,

I've been thinking lately about my job as a mother.

You probably hear from time to time that it's the 'hardest job in the world'. I disagree. Moms everywhere may kill me for saying so. It's likely because I have the best of all children in the world (and only one), but this job is seriously amazing. Though the beginning can be challenging on every level, it is still the very BEST I could ever hope for.

What do we asked from our careers? To be simulated, successful, fulfilled, rewarded.

Though I still have aspirations outside of motherhood, and I am blessed to work from home; right now, this mother gig is as so rewarding.

I realize that Dan has the harder job. When I leave for my work days, I know how much it hurts to be away. He has to leave his little love every morning. He comes home hearing how she's asked for him all day. "Dada?...No....Dada?....Nope", she shakes her head disappointed. And now, when I ask her where he is, she replies in a quiet voice, "eerk".

I am so thankful for this work, in this time, and grateful for Dan and his daily sacrifice.

Hoping you are having a wonderful work week.

Love,

Emily

Dear Jen, Good Night Moon.

Pictures from July 2012

Dear Jen,

You asked about our bedtime routine. You told me what you remember of yours as a child, and what you hope it will be for you and Julie in the future.

As children we didn't have a set routine, no special song we sang or one book read every night. Or if we did, I don't remember it. My mom and dad, books read, prayers said, it was enough of a routine just have them there every night. I felt so safe as a child, bedtime was comfort and warmth and love to me. I don't remember fighting or struggling with the night. Though I had an active mind and often stayed awake for a long time thinking. When I was older they would play a cassette for me and I would lay in bed listening to the familiar little tale of a Scottish firefly and the scared little girl who needed to know God was watching over her. I would call to my parents through the thin walls of our old house, to flip the tape so I could listen to it again and again. They were so patient, and even they knew those songs by heart. We sing them to Clara today.

Clara has always been a great little sleeper. She is almost excited and anxious to get into her crib while we are working through her bedtime routine. She lays down flat in her crib arms to her side, and waits to be tucked in. I give her a kiss and tell her Jesus loves her, and walk away quickly. We've done this regularly for a while now. Though she spent different parts of her first year waking up in the night she was always easy to put down.

She is starting to have different ideas about bedtime now. She understands that story time, the milk, the pacifier and the gentle rocking are all leading to that time alone in bed. Though she's clearly tired, she's fighting a little harder these days. She's like a child now. She asks for book after book, now that one, and this one, and that one again. She says "moon, moon" over and over. Good Night Moon. My family did not grow up with this book. So it's a bit of an oddity to me. It's sweet, but it's not sentimental to me at all, and I struggle through it 10 times a day. I liked it at first, but for Pete's sake, mush, and brush go to bed already. Clearly she loves it. So I will read it 1000 times a day if it pleases her.

Last night she was extra tired due to the time change, and our 5 am wake up. I laid her in bed; she looked back at me perfectly still, wide and waiting to be tucked in. I gave her a baby doll; she tucked dolly under her arm. I laid a fluffy pillow next to her head, and covered her with her softest receiving blanket she's started to attach to. Then I tucked her in with your handmade quilt. She ran her fingers through her wispy blonde hair like she has done since she's had enough hair to comb. I kissed her forehead and she stayed still while I said a little prayer. Every night is this special. Every night my heart feels like it's going to burst out of my chest with love and awe that this baby girl could be mine. Thank you Jesus, for this gift of motherhood.

Love,

Emily

Dear Jen, Year Two

Dear Jen,

I may have mentioned a time or two before; how Clara might be our only. We really don't know if there will be more children for us.

I held on to Clara's first year of life tight. Very possibly my only baby. I needed to experience every moment.

I didn't want that first year to end. Something in me told me after 12 months, it's all down hill. Or maybe it was the attitude and tone that other mothers take toward raising toddlers. I know where it comes from. The exhaustion, the busyness, I understand wanting those infant days back.

But then, I don't.

As sweet, and innocent and perfect as she was. As much as I wanted to stay at 5, and 9 and 11 months. I want to stay here. I want to have my little 15 month old forever. I want her to wake up every morning with the most loving and sincere, sing song call of "maaaamaaaa".
She is perfect right now. She will be perfect tomorrow.
Because I am her mama, I will always believe that.
She will never be a nuisance, she will be my delight every day.
I will give her the same adoration today as I did when she was my newest baby girl.
I feel that love in my heart just as strong as I did every day of that first year.

So know, dear friend, that even though she may throw her (organic, perfectly cooked) food, or learn how and when to use the word 'no', or pinch your loving arms, or wiggle extra with every messiest diaper; you will love her just the same.

And much more.

Because she will gain personality, and humor, she will learn something new everyday and she will love you.



Love,
Emily

She is here. How happy I am for you to experience the amazing blessing of motherhood. Do you feel like you have been waiting for this moment all your life? Like you woke up when she took her first breath of life? That's what I felt like when I first locked eyes with my baby girl.

Of course along with all of that fullness of love and excitement comes so much fear and uncertainty. Every tiny (and huge) noise she makes, every strange diaper change, each sleepless night can cause so much worry, and insecurity. I felt a huge amount of judgement in my first months of motherhood. The questions...


you do it how? you give her what? you don't do this?


They may have meant them in love, but they felt like a heavy judgement.

I learned to trust myself as a mother early on. I knew I couldn't do it all perfectly right, but I had to at least believe I knew best. And when I didn't have the answers, I would ask people I trusted for advice.

I wish I had asked for more help. Ask your friends to walk your dog, ask your parents to clean your house. Ask your husband to get up at night, but don't wait until you are desperate, because I promise it is not cute to beg...at night...when you're half crazy. I've done that many a time.

I had a friend tell me to give myself grace in the first months. Grace to your body as it heals and returns to normal, grace to figure out this new role as mom, grace for your husband. Grace to that baby who might not want to get all "baby wise" or "baby whisperer" or whatever schedule we wish they'd learn.

On the more practical side:

I know we've had a flurry of texts about pacifiers, but if she likes it, give it.

Swaddling is a beautiful thing.

Take a shower everday, and put on a little makeup, even if it's just before Travis gets home. It will make you feel like a real woman again, and he will appreciate it too...oh and get dressed up occasionally too, and by dressed up I mean out of the PJs.

Drink that water.

I never learned the art of a nap, but those are really nice if you can make yourself do it. And don't wait until you think you have benign essential blepharospasm (involuntary eye closing) like I did. I spent a few weeks thinking I was going blind. Pretty sure I should have taken a few naps.

Get out of the house, because you know it's actually one of the easiest times to take a few hours away, these new ones sleep like woah. You can probably enjoy a whole dinner and actually look into eachothers eyes. That is a great memory Dan and I have,...eachothers eyes.

Eat what you want, there are few opportunities for us to eat all these free calories, guilt free. Just do it.

Soak up every little minute, don't beat yourself up if you didn't fill out the baby book, or take last weeks special picture, because all she needs is you and Travis and milk...

...and sleep...
...and dipes changes.....