Lately

Dear Emily,
   I just thought I would send you a little note and update you on life around here. It's good... It's real good.  Julie is getting to be so much fun, definitely a work out throughout the day, but fun. I love watching her grow and change every day. She just becomes more of a little kid every moment.  She is waving and showing us that she loves us. She is reaching for us when she wants to switch to someone else's arms and she chatters all day long. I wish I knew what she had to say. I am sure she has a great outlook on the world!
   We are going on our first family vacation this weekend. I am thrilled. We are taking our 4 day weekend and making the most of it. We are headed up to Big Sur to check out a few waterfalls, taking hwy 1 up to Monterey for the day, then on to San Francisco for a brief tour of the city. I am so excited about the drive up the coastline. I hope Julie is amiable.
   Spring is definitely here and I am loving the warmer temperatures. We are filling our days with swinging and trying out some new recipes. I love baking, but baking doesn't love our waistlines. So far, I have baked a cookie that is comprised of 2 bananas, a cup of oats, and a few chocolate chips. I ate the entire batch by myself, so I guess they're good. I tried a Paleo Sweet Potato Chai muffin today that left much to be desired. Ugh... Terrible texture. I am assuming there will be a lot of hit and misses in my desire to find some more healthy alternatives to our beloved brownies, cookies, and ice cream.
   I just finished a long, long book, but while I was trying to finish it, I got Dinner: A Love Story in the mail. I have only flipped through it so far, but I am so excited to sit down and read it all. Never have I found a cookbook that I wanted to read cover to cover.  We have started reading at night before we turn out the light and I am loving it. I really enjoy the time to calm down from a crazy baby day or reconnect after being away from my husband for way too long.
    I have been trying to turn some of my worry over to God these past few weeks, trying to spend more time with the Lord, and give him control of my life... my baby, my marriage, my husband, my internal dialogues with myself.  I am happy with where this is leading me and excited to go deeper.
    I am slowly whittling away at my to-do list. I may only get one thing done a week, but that's one down.. Right now, I have a lot of plants that need some care. I think I'll dedicate nap time to that today.  Gardening is good for the soul.
   I hope you are having a good week and don't mind this long rambling letter. Miss you girl!
Love Jen

She's not mine.

Dear Emily,
  You might recall this week when I called you all flustered after my baby swallowed the lion's tail off of her Noah's Ark quilt. Did I tell you I called 911? Turns out that they don't give you medical advice over the phone... and in my better judgement, I decided against letting them send the paramedic out. It would have made for an even better story if I had... After all, it was just a piece of string.

Last night, Julie woke me up with her coughing... coughing hard. I went in and bundled her up and rocked her back to sleep. It was one of those moments where you feel like you should stay there all night holding them upright, rocking them...
This morning she started coughing again to the point where I thought she couldn't breathe.
I tried to get a hold of the pediatrician with little success and was told that I could have an appointment tomorrow. Not good enough! So I walked in to the clinic. Hello, Crazy lady with a happy, active baby here with no sign of sickness.  I love that the nurse humored me and checked her out and listened to her chest.

Over reaction at its finest... but where do you draw the line. As a mom my job in life is to protect her and make sure that she is always safe and secure.

This is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that I am reminded that she does not belong to me. Every time that I think I will home school her, lock her in a closet, board it up, never let her out of the house... God says no. He only gave her to me to borrow for a little while. So I am giving her to God every day.  He has way more power to love, protect, and heal her little body than I ever could.

Love, Jen

Sleep

Dear Emily,
   I am convinced that God provides us with sleep in much the same way that he provides us with food.  Can it be that sleep is like manna and he gives us how much we need to make it through the day?  Maybe this is only true for mothers.  He helps us manage and sustains us.  Last night, after several nights of Julie waking up 3 and 4 times to nurse unnecessarily, she managed to sleep for over 12 hours with only 2 wakings. It was a glorious night and a lovely morning in which I was able to regain my sanity.
And it is a good thing, because she has fought sleep like none other today.  It's been a rough day, but I am so thankful that I was well rested for it!
Thank you Lord for your sleep that sustains and refreshes... and thank you for sleeping babies.
How are you sleeping these days?  Sleep seems to be at the fore front of all my conversations.
Love, Jen

Good Night

Dear Emily,
     I have a very sweet memory from when I was little of my bedtime routine.  My mom would put me in bed, we would say our prayers -- The Lord's Prayer -- and we would sing a couple of songs and I'm pretty sure we would recite Psalms 23. I don't remember too much about it, but I remember how well I thought our voices harmonized and how good I thought we sounded.  It was really beautiful.
     It seems like everything I am reading lately is telling me how important a bedtime routine is. I have been trying to figure out a good one for us.  We've been putting our pajamas on and saying good night to daddy. We might spend a little time looking at the twinkle lights in her room or reading a book, depending on her mood, and then we nurse to sleep. I can't wait until she enjoys her bedtime routine and we can do baths, then pj's, then a story, prayers and a song.  I hope she enjoys it as much as I did.
    Do you and Clara have a routine?
Love, Jen

Dear Emily,
     I have been thinking about prayer a lot lately.  In all honesty, I struggle to pray and commune with God as often as I should... and two things have been on my mind.

In the midst of being a new momma and this really hard season that we have been going through over here, I have been so touched by the people who tell me that they are praying for me.  It means so much to know that someone is interceding on my behalf.  With that said, I decided awhile back that I wouldn't tell someone I was praying for them if I knew good and well that I would probably forget or not pray for them as well or as often as I should.  I didn't want people to think they were being prayed for and then me not do it.  Sounds silly now, but I didn't want to lie about it or act like I was in a better place with God than I was.  With this really hard season of my own, I have been moved to pray for others who are also going through hard seasons... things that are probably even more challenging than what I am dealing with.  I have realized how important it really is to meet people where they are and take their needs to the Lord.

A second thought... Julie needs my prayers.  She needs them for her health, for guidance, for  her future, to become the woman of God that she should be.  I can't wait to see what she does with that beautiful, little life of hers.  This world is a hard one and she needs all the prayers and support that she can get.

...and I will tell her that she is being prayed for.

Love, Jen

"The Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for.  But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.  And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will."        ~Romans 8:26-27

Dear Emily,

I am jealous of your Fall! We had triple digit temperatures this weekend, the coast hotter than the desert, which is strange. We endured most of Friday and Saturday in our 87 degree house and then finally gave in and travelled over to a friend's house to enjoy her air conditioning. It was fabulous! I have a much happier baby in the cool air.

Sunday was not so bad. We woke up to a 70 degree house! What a temperature drop! We went to church and grabbed lunch, stopped in World Market and came home to watch football. Such a wonderful day.  We felt like a normal couple, able to spend time together doing things that we used to do, pre-baby and pre-squadron days.

Things are getting more natural with the babe. We are so smitten with her smiles! They make some of the crankiness bearable. She really is a happy baby, but she can get downright mad sometimes! I am falling in love with her so much, my little blessing. I am starting to realize why people have more than one. Can  you believe it?!  A second one kind of excites me... on certain days.

Well, I best go and make a grocery list for my trip to the grocery store.  I need serious help eating healthier around here.  I know I would have more energy if we ate more fruits and vegetables.  Any tricks?
   Love, Jen

Dear Emily,
  Your letter to me on breast feeding was so timely.  I am definitely in a battle with it and I think it has kept me from really realizing your struggles with weaning.  In my head, I was thinking how great it was to be done and how much easier it would be to explore town without having to find an appropriate place for an inexperienced nurser to nurse (er... reveal herself, haha!)
  Today, I gave in and went back to the lactation consultant.  My Julie is seven weeks and I am still in terrible pain.  It kills me to dread feeding her sometimes, because I know the pain that comes with her initial latch and then continues after the feeding.  I cried last week and almost made the decision to quit, but when I think about it, I am really devoted to seeing it through.  Throughout my entire pregnancy, I looked forward to nursing and then to have it be so miserable is heartbreaking.  I have been thinking it is a latch issue and trying to correct it and really putting a lot of stress on the baby and me. She is getting bigger and her arms are getting stronger and her flailing is getting more wild and what I learned today is that it is impossible to correct a latch that is not incorrect.  It seems that I have either an allergy to lanolin or yeast.  Either way, I have hope.
   Every time that I go see the lactation consultant, I leave energized and motivated.  They always encourage me so much and with that I know that I can see this through.  I love going to see them so much that it makes me consider becoming one.  I think it would be so wonderful to encourage new moms struggling through their first few days and weeks of motherhood.  It's such a tumultuous time!
  Anyways, I am sticking with this thing.  I want to love it as much as you do and treasure this time.  I also want to drink as many chocolate shakes as I want and enjoy that whole pan of brownies.  It's such motivation to forge onward!
  Love, Jen

Dear Emily,
I have so many things to share with you, so many stories, just so much, but right now I have to feed this wee little thing. I will catch up soon, I promise. Your previous letter touched my heart so much and made me feel not so alone when I really needed it.
 Love, Jennifer

PS. Last night, I found Jackson asleep in the nursery. So sweet!

She is here. How happy I am for you to experience the amazing blessing of motherhood. Do you feel like you have been waiting for this moment all your life? Like you woke up when she took her first breath of life? That's what I felt like when I first locked eyes with my baby girl.

Of course along with all of that fullness of love and excitement comes so much fear and uncertainty. Every tiny (and huge) noise she makes, every strange diaper change, each sleepless night can cause so much worry, and insecurity. I felt a huge amount of judgement in my first months of motherhood. The questions...


you do it how? you give her what? you don't do this?


They may have meant them in love, but they felt like a heavy judgement.

I learned to trust myself as a mother early on. I knew I couldn't do it all perfectly right, but I had to at least believe I knew best. And when I didn't have the answers, I would ask people I trusted for advice.

I wish I had asked for more help. Ask your friends to walk your dog, ask your parents to clean your house. Ask your husband to get up at night, but don't wait until you are desperate, because I promise it is not cute to beg...at night...when you're half crazy. I've done that many a time.

I had a friend tell me to give myself grace in the first months. Grace to your body as it heals and returns to normal, grace to figure out this new role as mom, grace for your husband. Grace to that baby who might not want to get all "baby wise" or "baby whisperer" or whatever schedule we wish they'd learn.

On the more practical side:

I know we've had a flurry of texts about pacifiers, but if she likes it, give it.

Swaddling is a beautiful thing.

Take a shower everday, and put on a little makeup, even if it's just before Travis gets home. It will make you feel like a real woman again, and he will appreciate it too...oh and get dressed up occasionally too, and by dressed up I mean out of the PJs.

Drink that water.

I never learned the art of a nap, but those are really nice if you can make yourself do it. And don't wait until you think you have benign essential blepharospasm (involuntary eye closing) like I did. I spent a few weeks thinking I was going blind. Pretty sure I should have taken a few naps.

Get out of the house, because you know it's actually one of the easiest times to take a few hours away, these new ones sleep like woah. You can probably enjoy a whole dinner and actually look into eachothers eyes. That is a great memory Dan and I have,...eachothers eyes.

Eat what you want, there are few opportunities for us to eat all these free calories, guilt free. Just do it.

Soak up every little minute, don't beat yourself up if you didn't fill out the baby book, or take last weeks special picture, because all she needs is you and Travis and milk...

...and sleep...
...and dipes changes.....