Dear Jen, Thank you

Dear Jen,

In 10 days I turn 29. You sent me a package in the mail to remind me of, or rather, to celebrate my last year of youth.

 Did you know, I never planned on aging? I thought I would look young forever. I looked 18 for a long time. And then, I didn't anymore.

Time. It's a sneaky thing.

But I feel better than I did at 18. In body and mind. Thank God for that.

Someone told me that 29 is supposed to be the best year of your life. I think it's because you are so desperate to get things done before 30. Since my calendar is filling up with travel and work, my notebook is full of ideas, and my lap is filled with my blue eyed girl; I think 29 will be the best of years.

I'm going make sure of it.

Love,
Emily

Dear Jen, Deep of Winter

Dear Jen,

Though my heart and mind have been full of thoughts and letters for you, they take form in typo filled texts and loves of your Instagram feed. Is it presumptuous of me to assume you understand? Oh I think you do.

This season has been a whirly wind of baby, work, and responsibility. Without sounding too rainbows and roses, it's been a blessing of a year. This year I have grown in new ways, have been filled with pride, humbled, and found new love around every turn.

I wish I had more inspirationally beautiful pictures of smiling blue-eyed babies, and candid shots of us playing as a family in the snow to share. But my husband prefers my face to a lens these days, and I'm learning to oblige him. Most of the pictures I attempt these days resemble my life, a blur of a running baby, with my messy house in focus. The internet does not want that. Let us maintain the illusion that I keep a perfect home (though if you read this letter, you probably know this truth already).

Seeing you in pictures and video is like seeing a mirror of me and my girl one year ago. There is certainly an ache in my heart when I think of her 6 month old circular head, and easy squatty self. It was all cheeks to kiss, and bellies to tickle. I hope you are doing plenty of both.

We are deep in winter now. I find myself getting tired at 8:00, since the sun has been gone for 4 hours by then, and it feels right to slip into pj's and watch something uninspiring. The only reason I'm writing now, after 9:00 at night is because Dan convinced me to have a cup of coffee with him, and now he sleeps soundly on the couch. But when January first comes around, we all get that feeling like NOW is the time to change our ways. I'm trying not to get too excited about resolutions. We have a good three months until anything gets done up here in the frigid North. But I did get roped into running a half marathon in the spring. I'm not sure how I allowed peer pressure to get me to this point, but it really is enjoyable to set and meet a goal every single week. It makes me feel strong. And that IS a good thing.

I've been drawing a little everyday. Working on a little project, and seeing where it goes. I'm making something that has value to me, and my family. It fulfills my soul to have a little creative time everyday.  It will be something more someday.

What about you, friend?

Love,
Emily

Good Night

Dear Emily,
     I have a very sweet memory from when I was little of my bedtime routine.  My mom would put me in bed, we would say our prayers -- The Lord's Prayer -- and we would sing a couple of songs and I'm pretty sure we would recite Psalms 23. I don't remember too much about it, but I remember how well I thought our voices harmonized and how good I thought we sounded.  It was really beautiful.
     It seems like everything I am reading lately is telling me how important a bedtime routine is. I have been trying to figure out a good one for us.  We've been putting our pajamas on and saying good night to daddy. We might spend a little time looking at the twinkle lights in her room or reading a book, depending on her mood, and then we nurse to sleep. I can't wait until she enjoys her bedtime routine and we can do baths, then pj's, then a story, prayers and a song.  I hope she enjoys it as much as I did.
    Do you and Clara have a routine?
Love, Jen

Dear Emily,

I am jealous of your Fall! We had triple digit temperatures this weekend, the coast hotter than the desert, which is strange. We endured most of Friday and Saturday in our 87 degree house and then finally gave in and travelled over to a friend's house to enjoy her air conditioning. It was fabulous! I have a much happier baby in the cool air.

Sunday was not so bad. We woke up to a 70 degree house! What a temperature drop! We went to church and grabbed lunch, stopped in World Market and came home to watch football. Such a wonderful day.  We felt like a normal couple, able to spend time together doing things that we used to do, pre-baby and pre-squadron days.

Things are getting more natural with the babe. We are so smitten with her smiles! They make some of the crankiness bearable. She really is a happy baby, but she can get downright mad sometimes! I am falling in love with her so much, my little blessing. I am starting to realize why people have more than one. Can  you believe it?!  A second one kind of excites me... on certain days.

Well, I best go and make a grocery list for my trip to the grocery store.  I need serious help eating healthier around here.  I know I would have more energy if we ate more fruits and vegetables.  Any tricks?
   Love, Jen

Dear Jen

Dear Jen,

I know you are having your own personal battle with nursing right now. I get that, I really do. Even if it starts easy, they can change so quickly, get better again, be impossible, then wonderful. Nursing is not always the easy path. What you have done for your little Julie is so important for her. No matter how long it lasts, it is so special. I'm thinking of you, and praying it gets better.

I've had my own struggles with weaning. Clara has always been the type of kid who could care less how she got her milk, or where it came from, or what it tasted like, or what temp it was. She's just not a picky kid. So weaning was pretty much a cinch. She was thrilled about the endless supply of cows milk, and it happened naturally. When she started walking, I just couldn't keep her still for long enough to nurse. So it happened, and I had little to say about it.

It made me so sad. I actually googled post-weaning depression. It exists of course. I even considered relactation. Is my crazy really coming out now? So I've gained weight, lost that special bond, and had a mood downer. I've pulled myself out of it pretty well. But I feel a jealous twinge in my heart when I hear other kids her age are still nursing 10 times a day. But then, there is freedom, and she is happy, and we are busy. We nursed for 14 months. How could I really be upset about that? I am finally needing less coffee. I'm down to a 1/2 cup a day from my 2 cups I've been pulling for the last year. It's good to not be dependent on that anymore. Eating 1800-2000 calories a day has been awfully fun, but MyFitnessPal is becoming my friend again, 'cause seeing 1 lb/day add up on the scale is really frightening.

So for the first time in almost 2 years, I am not pregnant or nursing. It's a bit of a lonely feeling. But she kisses me without prompt, and says thank you, runs to me with open arms, and hugs my legs. So, lonely is relative. I am blessed, and full of all this love for her. That bond is not gone, it was solidified the moment we met. No nursing or lack of nursing will take that away.

Love,
Emily

Dear Emily, 

   My sister has been in town this week and we have taken tours of San Diego all week long.  We have been to the zoo, a picnic on Coronado, La Jolla to seal watch, Mount Soledad to see the view, a walk at Kate Sessions park, Ocean Beach for a cheeseburger, and some other various driving around to see the sights.  Normally, I would eat up this exploration.  I have seen more of the city this week than I have seen since we moved here... but it's different with a newborn.  

  Over the past few years, I have grown to love being home even more.  I love home.  I love coming home.  No matter where we live, our home becomes a refuge and safe haven from the busyness. It is a place of calm amidst the chaos of this city.  I am reminded often of a quote from Juno -- "I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while." (I love this movie, by the way. Watch it if you have not. I cry at the ending every time.)
    Anyways, all of that to say, I love coming home. I love it even more now with my little Jules. Sometimes, I miss her so much when we have been out all day and she has been in her car seat all the way in the back seat. I miss having her in my arms and cuddling her. Do you ever feel this way with Clara? It seems silly to miss some one that is only a few feet away. I think I'll go interrupt her nap that she's taking in her car seat so that I can snuggle her.

Love, Jen

P.S. My love is out of town this week and I am thinking that I'll hit up the La Jolla library tomorrow. Have you read anything noteworthy lately? Maybe something easy and happy or something that makes me feel smarter...

Dear Jen,

Are you exhausted and always busy, but not always fulfilled? I know. I've been there. I'd like to say I'm not there right now, that it passes. But I think life as a mother to these little ones is always a bit frazzled. I remember when you were pregnant and we were talking about how I'd taught myself a good deal of graphic design, you said you'd learn it when you had a more time as a mother to a newborn. I smiled a quiet smile, and tucked away that thought for later. When Clara was an infant, there were so many naps, but never enough time to be creative. I'd beg Dan to watch her for a few hours while I'd run upstairs and sew something frantically, or write a quick post and edit picture rather than take a shower. Finding time is so hard. Finding energy is even harder. Sometimes you want to fill those free minutes with the most frivolous TV show, jcrew.com window shopping, or Skype with a long distance friend. Those things are still important. Being productive is not always the end goal right now. It's being fulfilled. Can you sketch and plan and read? Can you make things in your mind? I did that a lot. I had ideas and dreams, and my mind was active and creative. I didn't give up on myself, and now, occasionally I have a little time and enough energy to do a thing or two for myself, and now and then there is something productive at the end of the day. Does that give you any hope?

Love,

Emily

Dear Emily,
   I probably have about five seconds before the love wakes up from her morning nap, famished as always.  I was just reminded yesterday how important life long friends and letters are.  I received two packages this week, one from each of my college roommates.  It was super special, since they both contained sincere letters, the second of which brought tears to my eyes.  There are not many people that I still know and am in contact with from that period in my life.  You are one of the few!  Not many people know who I was back then, not that I am so different now, but sometimes it is nice to be reminded of who you are.

I am five weeks into being a mother and was seriously challenged by several things yesterday -- that now is the time to take control of my life and start living more assertively, more deliberately.  There is nothing else in life that I am counting down for, which makes every day seem like it's flying by.  This is the moment that I have waited my whole life for. It's time to make it look like I want it to.  It's time to get out of the house, no matter how long it takes and how hard it is.  It's time to make sure that my husband knows how important he is and how much I love him. It's time to draw, because I think I might die if I don't.  It's time to go to museums, galleries, coffee shops... to discover all the hidden parts of San Diego, before I have to move again.  It's time to go for walks, to have face time with the Lord and find out his plan for the rest of my life and learn to rely on him again, because I can't do this without Him.  It's just too hard to do it on my own.  I am going to stop and listen to music and read books and figure out how to make my life about more than just the next feeding and diaper change.  It's going to be good, really good.

Don't let me forget all of this once my excitement fades. I didn't mean for this to be quite so long, but I have had a ton of alone time, well sort of alone time, lately and have a ton on my mind. We'll talk soon. In the meantime, I am going to go snuggle this baby.  She is quite the cuddler!
Love, Jen

Dear Emily,
   This weekend, our family became a family of four, including Jackson.  It has been a precious, exciting, exhausting, miserable, lovely weekend.  I can not wait to introduce you to Julie Claire.  She is growing better by the day! I'll write more when I can find the time. Any newborn tips to make it through these hard early days? I can't wait for you to meet her!!!
Love, Jennifer

Dear Emily,
I have so many things to share with you, so many stories, just so much, but right now I have to feed this wee little thing. I will catch up soon, I promise. Your previous letter touched my heart so much and made me feel not so alone when I really needed it.
 Love, Jennifer

PS. Last night, I found Jackson asleep in the nursery. So sweet!

She is here. How happy I am for you to experience the amazing blessing of motherhood. Do you feel like you have been waiting for this moment all your life? Like you woke up when she took her first breath of life? That's what I felt like when I first locked eyes with my baby girl.

Of course along with all of that fullness of love and excitement comes so much fear and uncertainty. Every tiny (and huge) noise she makes, every strange diaper change, each sleepless night can cause so much worry, and insecurity. I felt a huge amount of judgement in my first months of motherhood. The questions...


you do it how? you give her what? you don't do this?


They may have meant them in love, but they felt like a heavy judgement.

I learned to trust myself as a mother early on. I knew I couldn't do it all perfectly right, but I had to at least believe I knew best. And when I didn't have the answers, I would ask people I trusted for advice.

I wish I had asked for more help. Ask your friends to walk your dog, ask your parents to clean your house. Ask your husband to get up at night, but don't wait until you are desperate, because I promise it is not cute to beg...at night...when you're half crazy. I've done that many a time.

I had a friend tell me to give myself grace in the first months. Grace to your body as it heals and returns to normal, grace to figure out this new role as mom, grace for your husband. Grace to that baby who might not want to get all "baby wise" or "baby whisperer" or whatever schedule we wish they'd learn.

On the more practical side:

I know we've had a flurry of texts about pacifiers, but if she likes it, give it.

Swaddling is a beautiful thing.

Take a shower everday, and put on a little makeup, even if it's just before Travis gets home. It will make you feel like a real woman again, and he will appreciate it too...oh and get dressed up occasionally too, and by dressed up I mean out of the PJs.

Drink that water.

I never learned the art of a nap, but those are really nice if you can make yourself do it. And don't wait until you think you have benign essential blepharospasm (involuntary eye closing) like I did. I spent a few weeks thinking I was going blind. Pretty sure I should have taken a few naps.

Get out of the house, because you know it's actually one of the easiest times to take a few hours away, these new ones sleep like woah. You can probably enjoy a whole dinner and actually look into eachothers eyes. That is a great memory Dan and I have,...eachothers eyes.

Eat what you want, there are few opportunities for us to eat all these free calories, guilt free. Just do it.

Soak up every little minute, don't beat yourself up if you didn't fill out the baby book, or take last weeks special picture, because all she needs is you and Travis and milk...

...and sleep...
...and dipes changes.....

Dear Bella,

   Life here has been changing a bit.  Mom says that I'm going to have a little sister soon and I just don't know if this is a good thing.  So far, it's just meant far fewer walks and less trips to the dog park. I also have been kicked out of the bed at night, because she says there isn't room for me and the baby.  I think there's plenty of room.  I hear you have a little sister too.  How is that going for you?  Guess I will just keep guarding my window until baby gets here and then we'll see. Wish you lived closer so we could play ball together.

   Love, Jackson

Dear Emily,
  I am seriously jealous of your sailing date! That sounds so fun and your pictures are beautiful! Dates are something that are so valued now, even before baby comes as our time together is so slim. I am really looking forward to a fun weekend. I have requested to see the sun set and to go see the seals, either a trip to Point Loma or to La Jolla Coves is in order. Usually when we live in a town, we find a coffee shop or restaurant that we love and it becomes a special place for us, but it's different here in San Diego. Our choices are so unlimited, that it's almost overwhelming! It's a good thing that I have 3 or 4 years to try everything!  So much diversity here! 


My to-do list is getting whittled away slowly, but surely.  I have quite a few meals put away and I even have a loaf of apple bread and a batch of cookie dough in the freezer all ready for when little Miss comes home and we need something sweet and fresh. It was my way of coping with a little labor anxiety.  

The only thing the nursery is lacking is a rocking chair and possibly two prints in frames. I have yet to decide what I want, but I have a few things that I am thinking of. So happy to be ready to bring her home whenever she decides to make an appearance. I did finish her rocking horse today and I am in love!

It's hard to see past the next couple of weeks to the rest of the Summer. Our entire Summer is full of loving and learning about our new baby, lots of family visiting, and hopefully some parks, walks, and zoo trips with the love!


I hope you and Clara have a wonderful weekend! I think we are going to start celebrating Fourth of July. Do you have big plans? Fireworks? 


Love, Jennifer

Dear Emily,
It's Monday... Mondays are not my friends and I am feeling especially off this morning. There are getting to be fewer and fewer things that I need to do to get ready for my little and I am feeling more and more ready for her to come... Now! We have nearly finished her nursery. I have a few wall hangings to make and some curtain tie-backs and to find that perfect rocker and then we'll be done... oh and a bookshelf. Only 16 more days till my due date.
     The weekend was especially good to us. On Saturday, we made a leisurely breakfast of blueberry pancakes and bacon. We drank in our time with one another, being extra grateful for it, since we no longer see each other much during the week. We got coffee at a great little place in Golden Hill, South of Balboa Park, called Krakatoa... then when Jackson decided to start being bad, we took him to Nate's Point dog park, where he ran until he was too exhausted to even walk to the car, literally. We made runs to Home Depot and Target and out for tacos in Pacific Beach. The more time I spend in Pacific Beach, the more that I have to say about it. I will tell you about that later. We worked on the nursery and patio late into the night and it could not have been more perfect. Sunday was church and then more of the same. I am so grateful for that man and I love the weekends, so here I am trying to figure out where to start this morning. We'll see, but I think that I'll spend some time waking up slow, me and my little love, still growing inside of me.

                                                     Love, Jen

PS. That picture is of my new hummingbird feeder in the backyard. I have had my eye on it for a couple of years now and Travis bought it for me this weekend. We have already had hummingbirds at it and I love them! I'll send more pictures of the porch and nursery as we get them finished up.